Hello folks…this is a simple letter written to Ranger fans on the eve of another Devils-Rangers battle.
Dear Ranger Fans:
We regret to inform you that your team will lose on Friday against the New Jersey Devils. The reason why is simple. Scott Clemmensen like most career backups is playing like The Matrix. Don’t believe me? See Craig Anderson from the Florida Panthers as Exhibit A. Do not say I did not tell you so when really I did.
Furthermore, Martin Brodeur is secretly controlling Scott Clemmensen via a PSP. This sounds crazy but before this season…no one would have ever believed Clemmensen could be anything other than a minor league goalie like Jason “Hanna” Labarbera. Anything less would be crazy and uncivilized.
The Devils have also gained a little in the health department. At one point, we had eight men out (not the baseball scandal or Rick Tocchet’s latest way to make money). Now only Brodeur is not in the lineup. Rolston and Holik are back and Zach Parise is well….MONEY!!! Remember this well…even the little man Gionta is scoring along with Patrik Elias.
Henrik Lundqvist is going to have flashbacks to this…….remember this Ranger fans?
That was very sweet!!!!!
So the Rangers have had some considerable success since…but this is a new time now. I know that Dmitri Kalinin can be scored on especially when he is on the ice…the puck finds its way in the net. He is a -17 on a team that is in first in the Atlantic. That is impressive for futility. So our plan is simple.
Exploit Kalinin at every turn…dump the puck in his corner and do whatever it takes. Fart on him, read him a story, even bribe him…..anything will do at this point. Maybe Renney will get smart and bench Dmitri but somehow I highly doubt that….it would be too intelligent of an idea.
Larry Brooks will also be pining to return to the Devils who will slam the doors on his yellow behind and let him return across the river without making a peep. Maybe he will write about something else that has little to do with the reality of the New York Rangers. After all it is Larry’s fantasy you know. Maybe next time he will dream of Shanny and Sundin in New York. Well even those two might not help the Rangers come 12/12….weird but true.
So say your prayers Ranger fans…as the Devils are about to come out like someone took their best toy away and they are like ravenous, rabid dogs who have been starved for weeks waiting for a pot smoker to pull too hard off his bong and fall down a flight of stairs. Truthfully, god may not even be able to help you as he will be on vacation. Sorry!!
Sincerely,
Chris Wassel
New Jersey Devils Fan
P.S. In the event, the Devils do not win…I will eat some serious crow. This is not meant to be taken seriously…this is fun….say it with me…funnnnnn!
